Lost.

It’s been just under two months since I went through on of the most difficult situations that have occurred in my 35 years. Two months in which I’ve not really managed to understand things, nor compartmentalise things. The logical side of me can’t make sense of it all, yet the erratic side of me feels like things are too erratic. It’s a very odd situation to be in, and for want of a better word I feel discombobulated. And lost. Totally lost.

Anoushka loves

2017 has been an absolute horrific year for me. It’s brought to me situations that I’ve not been able to deal with, as well as changes in my life, and of course, that big Grandad shaped hole that has been left in my life. It’s been quite tough as someone who is usually so level headed and logical has suddenly become so irrational and disjointed from the world. I’m drinking more than I should, I’m sleeping more than I should and I go through each day wondering just how long it is until bedtime. I’ve lost the care that I once had for my self presentation; my hair, nails and even my home. My blog has slipped, my lust for life has dwindled and it’s because I have this sense of loss. I don’t feel that I belong.

To an outsider, it’s probably quite easy to say ‘but you don’t seem lost’ or ‘you’re always out with friends’, which to an extent is true. I try and keep things as normal as possible. It’s nice to keep things as normal as possible. I want to be around my friends; they’re the people who love me for being me, without judgement, and they make sure that I’m ok. They know when I’m not quite myself, and they can read the signs that I need a gentle nudge to snap me out of the glazed stare I’ve fallen in, when I get so engrossed in thinking of things, I literally am miles away.

As a sociable person, it’s something that I am finding really tough at the moment. I feel that my once bubbly persona has been overtaken by the need to be around just one or two close people and I don’t want to stray from my security net. The ‘How are you doing’ answer has gone from ‘yeah, great’ to ‘I’m ok’ and I can’t even tell how long I’ve just been ok for. I am ok, but I want to be better than ok. I want to come home from work and not just want to get in bed and hibernate. I want to have some lust for life again, rather than going through the motions. I don’t want to be reliant on medication. I don’t want to be reliant on 12 hours sleep. I want my verve and vigour back, my zing and zest, to be the life and soul of the party again. I want to go for a drink, without it ending in me sobbing in a corner, or getting angry for the reasons that I can’t explain when I’m sober.

I recently had a good chat with my Dr, and the things that can be addressed are being addressed. I’ve also been referred to speak to someone unbiased and impartial who will hopefully help me make sense of this jumble of thoughts and feelings that are swirling through my body. I want to be able to understand, and make sense of things. To feel like I have a grip on life and all it has to throw at me rather than cowering under the covers and hoping that it will go away. I need to feel motivated and wake up each morning, looking forward to the day ahead rather than going through the daily grind until I return home and can hide under my blanket in a clean set of pjs. I didn’t think that at 35, that life would be so hard.

Maybe I have been exceptionally lucky over the years in that I’ve been able to deal with the tough stuff that is thrown at me, and maybe this is just something that is going to be the making of me, but what I do know is that it’s been really quite difficult to grasp. Maybe 2017 just needs chalking up as a shite year and that 2018 will be my year. Hell, I may even send out one of those cheesy Facebook statuses on New Years Eve to say how it’s going to be my year. All I do know is that I will get through this, and I can get through this. It’s made me realise just how important certain things are in my life; my family, my friends and love.

“All it takes is a beautiful fake smile to hide an injured soul and they will never notice how broken you really are.”
— Robin Williams

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  • I am SO done with 2017. I’ve found it tought too. One day i woke up and my car was gone. Which doesn’t seem bad to some as its material. But it took me 8 months after passing my test to save for, of which i delayed for years thinking i was no good. I finally did and had something i thiught was great and i had my life on track, then it was gone. I’m very low, so i losing someone like you have it horrendous. When i lost my Gran back in 2010 it was the hardest as she was my beat friend. I really hope you get help and get through it slowly, and with little pain. Life is so hard. Always here if you need anything x

  • I’m really sorry to read this, Anoushka but I love your honesty. It’s ok not to be ok and you’re working toward getting your old self back. You wouldn’t be human if you weren’t affected by all that has happened xx

    Beautylymin| L’OccitaneAdventCalendarGiveaway

  • TheBrickCastle

    Life runs so quickly now and we are expected to take everything on the chin and just carry on. In reality sometimes we just can’t, and forcing ourselves only shoves the problems forward in front of us until eventually you can’t push that bundle any more and you trip over it. Don’t feel bad about mental health time. Something I’ve learned the past 3 years is that sitting staring into space or lying in bed isn’t just ‘wasted time’, it is very often necessary in order to go on ahead with the next bit xx

  • Erin Russell

    2017 has been shit, your post Is beautiful lovely. A Dr once said to me life is filled with ups and down, periods of time where we are insanely happy must be counteracted with times where we feel incredibly sad. It is important to remember that it will return, and the sense of loss you feel will repair in time. You know you have me here is you ever need a belther, I understand it, and sometimes its good just to have a good chatter about nothing to fill the nothing feeling with warm and fuzzies! 🙂

    Erin || MakeErinOver

  • I really loved your honesty here Anoushka! I’m so sorry to read it for you but it’s definitely ok to admit when you’re struggling. It’s healthy. 2017 has been a horrible year for so many people including myself. This post helped me feel like it’s ok to be sad at times. I’m hoping you feel better soon and back to yourself! Xx

    Little Luxuries By Lynsey

  • lavinya royes

    Life is a complicated journey. Some things we get over in an instant and others take time. Grief is especially tolling on the mind and heart and I dont think you should beat yourself up that you’ve struggled to handle it, to me its a testament to how deeply you cared for the person and the acknowledgment that they meant a great deal to your life. Things take time. Saying that I think its good to remember that they probably wouldnt want us to stop caring about ourselves and our own goals and self care. I’m not saying jump straight back to a life of glam but maybe take one day at a time to help one area of your life you feel is not right to you. Start with your sleeping pattern, cut back on the alcohol and then cheer yourself up with a manicure of a good ole chat with with friends. 2017 has definitely been hard but you are stronger. It must of taken a lot to share the above on such a public space and I believe that takes strength. So girl you got this, one day at a time – x

    Lavinya Royes – Fashion & Lifestyle Blog