It’s been just under two months since I went through on of the most difficult situations that have occurred in my 35 years. Two months in which I’ve not really managed to understand things, nor compartmentalise things. The logical side of me can’t make sense of it all, yet the erratic side of me feels like things are too erratic. It’s a very odd situation to be in, and for want of a better word I feel discombobulated. And lost. Totally lost.
2017 has been an absolute horrific year for me. It’s brought to me situations that I’ve not been able to deal with, as well as changes in my life, and of course, that big Grandad shaped hole that has been left in my life. It’s been quite tough as someone who is usually so level headed and logical has suddenly become so irrational and disjointed from the world. I’m drinking more than I should, I’m sleeping more than I should and I go through each day wondering just how long it is until bedtime. I’ve lost the care that I once had for my self presentation; my hair, nails and even my home. My blog has slipped, my lust for life has dwindled and it’s because I have this sense of loss. I don’t feel that I belong.
To an outsider, it’s probably quite easy to say ‘but you don’t seem lost’ or ‘you’re always out with friends’, which to an extent is true. I try and keep things as normal as possible. It’s nice to keep things as normal as possible. I want to be around my friends; they’re the people who love me for being me, without judgement, and they make sure that I’m ok. They know when I’m not quite myself, and they can read the signs that I need a gentle nudge to snap me out of the glazed stare I’ve fallen in, when I get so engrossed in thinking of things, I literally am miles away.
As a sociable person, it’s something that I am finding really tough at the moment. I feel that my once bubbly persona has been overtaken by the need to be around just one or two close people and I don’t want to stray from my security net. The ‘How are you doing’ answer has gone from ‘yeah, great’ to ‘I’m ok’ and I can’t even tell how long I’ve just been ok for. I am ok, but I want to be better than ok. I want to come home from work and not just want to get in bed and hibernate. I want to have some lust for life again, rather than going through the motions. I don’t want to be reliant on medication. I don’t want to be reliant on 12 hours sleep. I want my verve and vigour back, my zing and zest, to be the life and soul of the party again. I want to go for a drink, without it ending in me sobbing in a corner, or getting angry for the reasons that I can’t explain when I’m sober.
I recently had a good chat with my Dr, and the things that can be addressed are being addressed. I’ve also been referred to speak to someone unbiased and impartial who will hopefully help me make sense of this jumble of thoughts and feelings that are swirling through my body. I want to be able to understand, and make sense of things. To feel like I have a grip on life and all it has to throw at me rather than cowering under the covers and hoping that it will go away. I need to feel motivated and wake up each morning, looking forward to the day ahead rather than going through the daily grind until I return home and can hide under my blanket in a clean set of pjs. I didn’t think that at 35, that life would be so hard.
Maybe I have been exceptionally lucky over the years in that I’ve been able to deal with the tough stuff that is thrown at me, and maybe this is just something that is going to be the making of me, but what I do know is that it’s been really quite difficult to grasp. Maybe 2017 just needs chalking up as a shite year and that 2018 will be my year. Hell, I may even send out one of those cheesy Facebook statuses on New Years Eve to say how it’s going to be my year. All I do know is that I will get through this, and I can get through this. It’s made me realise just how important certain things are in my life; my family, my friends and love.
“All it takes is a beautiful fake smile to hide an injured soul and they will never notice how broken you really are.”
— Robin Williams