‘I wish I was thin.
I wish I was pretty.
I wish my thighs didn’t chafe when I walked.
I wish my boobs were smaller, my stomach flatter, my ankles were slimmer.
I wish I was someone else.’
I feel like I’m constantly doubting myself, knocking my own confidence and damaging my self esteem because I can’t reach to the impossibly high standards that I’m trying to set myself all the while striving to keep that confident façade that I’ve built up as a barrier around me for so long. Impossible goals and unrealistic standards. I’ve had a huge blip this week and I’ve felt like everything that I do or say isn’t right. I feel at the bottom of the pile, surrounded by people who may not have it all but make the most out of what they’ve got, and I can’t do seem to understand why I can’t do it myself. I feel useless, like I’m an after thought, a back up plan, a second choice.
Not only in life, but within my blog and creative outlet where I can create images and construct prose that wouldn’t give off any indication of how I feel. A perfect flat lay, a selfie of when my winged eyeliner behaved, a curated and filtered shot of the latest makeup. It’s all so constructed but yet, another barrier to hide behind. I try not to go into too much detail of my life. After all my blog is about makeup and pretty things, and who wants to hear about things that don’t fit in with the niche? I feel like I’ve fallen out of love with my blog at the minute. I’m not happy with the design and layout, but haven’t got the passion to rectify it. I hate my images, yet I can’t be bothered to try and improve them. Maybe because all the blogs I’m reading recently are all to such a high standard that I just feel inferior to the glossy images taken by personal photographers instead of with a camera on a tripod in a mirror. Beautiful destinations that people are jetting off to, a photo crossing a busy road in downtown Manhattan whilst swinging the latest designer bag. Everything feels to such a high standard that I can’t, not that I want to, compete. I just can’t seem to do it.
I try to make myself happy. I do what I want and when I want. I have a great job, great friends and to most people, a great lifestyle. But, when you have this constant drone in your head, it becomes difficult to appreciate things. Mindfulness, hygge, appreciating the smaller things in life is all well and good, but It’s bloody exhausting. Everything is exhausting. Maybe I’m writing this as a cry for help to myself, a memento of just how low I’ve gotten to write a post like this. I doubt I’ll post it. It’ll sit in my drafts as a reminder that I do have somewhere to let it all out instead of bottling it all up. My thoughts and feelings are my demons and until I can stop being so hard on myself, the longer they will stay.
I’ve always spoken my mind, and I’d rather be prided on the fact that I say how I feel than lie to fit societies standards. Unfortunately, people don’t like the truth and would rather live in a sugar coated world. Sure, it works both ways and the cold hard truth, although tough to deal with is harsh and yes, I can see how people don’t like it. But? What you see is what you get. I’d rather be known as the person that says it as it is, than the person who is two faced and loves you to your face but slags you off behind your back. I’m honest, I’m truthful, hell I’m blunt as it comes but you know what – you’ll always know where you stand.
I’m going through some crappy mental health issues right now and this façade is so difficult to keep up with. I want to cry majority of the time, I don’t care about anything or anyone. I have no reason to see a future right now and I’m sick, absolutely sick to death of trying to fit in when I quite clearly don’t. I’ve never been as unhappy in my life and all the fake smiles and fake happiness will never fix this.
A chemical imbalance my doctor calls it. I call it a unreliable, exhausting, weight bearing mind mess and I’m done with it all.
Over and out.
NB – Sometimes we just need to vent and get thoughts and frustrations out. It doesn’t mean that this is the end or that things are too much. It’s about dealing with issues in the best way possible. Of course, The Samaritans are always there if you feel that you are struggling to cope. Call 116 123 from any phone.