In recent weeks, I really started putting things into perspective regarding my lifestyle and my life. Aged 34, and I am suddenly getting the sinking feeling that I’m being left behind whilst everyone moves on to different stages of their lives. Although I have had a good decade or more doing things for me, the selfishness that I have grown accustomed to has suddenly shocked me into realising that although I thought I had it all, I actually don’t. I have been that person who has always been the life and soul, the resolutely single friend who is so fiercely independent that it’s it difficult to penetrate the huge barriers that I have around me. Holding things at arms length because I’m scared of being hurt, yet the more I think of about it, the more I realise that I’m only hurting myself. It’s funny because when I write these personal posts, I get a lot of messages from friends asking if I am OK. Although I do have a deeper side to me, it seems that it’s very rare that I let people see it, including my close friends.
Having a lot of time to think about things whilst I’ve been off with my bad back has been a blessing as well as a curse. For one, it’s pushing me to try and keep positive about everything that is happening with my back. My MRI results have come back and a piece of disc around 1cm in size has broken off and is pressing on my nerve so I’m now being referred to a spinal specialist to see if surgery is the best option. It’s not the outcome that I was expecting but I will deal with it in the same manner as I have been dealing with things over the last 10 weeks.
I don’t know whether it’s because I’ve been forcing myself to be a positive little bunny, or because I have been shocked into looking at options for the future, but it’s hit me quite hard that at this stage in my life that nothing has really changed in the last ten years. I’m still single, I don’t have kids and I’m still no nearer to putting my foot on the mortgage ladder than I was when I was 18. I look at others with envy, I see happy family lives where marriage and babies have happened in quick succession. I’m not even sure if I want a baby, but the option would be nice. I’m absolutely useless when it comes to men. Full of bravado but I’m all talk and no action. I can’t date. I don’t know what to say. The last date I went on was in 2012. Seriously, what is wrong with me that I lack the skills that most people have to be able to go out and meet people.
It came up in conversation last week that out of all my close friends, I was the only one who hasn’t got a failed marriage, a marriage, kids or expecting out of us all. I’m scared that it will get to the point where I don’t actually have anything in common with my own friends as they move on, naturally, whilst I get left behind. Have I protected myself that much, that it’s impossible for people to get in, to get to know the real me and not the blase and flippant ‘it’s all about me’ attitude that I guess I give off.
Last week I said to the future Anoushka ‘do something each day that scares you’. Maybe the terrifying thought that I have let myself get left behind is enough to push me to change things. Because, in all honesty, being left behind is scary and it’s not something that I’m willing to experience. A fresher, brighter more positive outlook and a surge in self confidence and esteem may be the making of me and I’m ready for action.